I got up at 6:30 am this morning so that I could serve in what is know as a ‘calling’ in my church. I have done this for two years now.
Anyone that knows me knows that I don’t get up at 6:30. Sometimes I stay up and work until 6:30, but I don’t get up at that time. That is unless God wants me to. Thus, on the ‘day of rest’ I drag my butt out of bed way to early in the morning so that I can go and do something else I never do – take notes by hand. I have used a computer for so many years now that I can type like mad, but I can barely use a pen. My signature is just a bunch of loopy lines and no one and I mean no one can read what I write. However, I take notes because that is my religious duty.
Truthfully, I don’t mind it so much. I get to associate with people who are far more righteous than me. I keep thinking some of that spirituality will wear off on my, but it doesn’t really so I have decided on a new course of action.
The latest trend is outsourcing. It started with programming. Get guys in India or various other countries to do your work for pennies on the dollar and stop paying these expensive local boys. It will work just like it did in manufacturing. (I’m not bitter). I heard that you can outsource a personal assistant. Heck, if you are willing to travel heart surgery in a foreign land is like a luxury vacation – except for that one part where they cut you open, but then again maybe that makes your journey more like an Indian Jones movie. Hopefully, they use something more sterile than their bare hands.
I would really like to spend my Sunday mornings in bed. After all, I am a very lazy person. However, I really need the spiritual benefits. Call them credits in heaven.
In this United States land of box stores, outlets, big cars, and urban sprawl we get what we want. I am simply unwilling to accept that I can’t have it all so starting today I will be outsourcing all my religion. Call my effort modern day indulgences advanced. Instead of just buying away sin I will be having various kind hearted souls in foreign lands deal with my volunteer work, salvation and other spiritual matters. I even plan on offering this service to others so that they may reap eternal rewards while sleeping in, reading the paper or just enjoying a Sunday afternoon in the park.
Package pricing is as follows:
Pretty Good: $49.95/month
All activities will be performed by a novice spiritual outsourcing agent. They are just in training but no less righteous. They might have a few sins to work out, but what do you expect when you purchase salvation on the cheap?
10 minutes of scripture reading a day.
5 minutes repenting of your choice of wrong deeds.
2 minute prayers twice a day.
1 Sermon per year (optional) in case you need to speak in church or just for impressing friends when it comes to your new level of spirituality.
Note: This package is not guaranteed to get you into heaven, but at least it will keep your parents off your back.
All spiritual matters will be handle by one of our intermediate advisers. This package might get you into heaven, but you will still be required to put in a little effort.
15 minutes of scripture reading a day.
10 minutes repenting.
5 minute prayers twice a day.
2 sermons spiritual quotes emergency scripture/spiritual thought via SMS in case you really need to impress someone.
Monthly attendance at church.
One of our experience, mostly sin-free intermediate advisers will handle the majority of your spiritual needs. We’re pretty sure this one will get you into heaven.
20 minutes of scripture reading a day.
15 minutes repenting of specific sins you send in (no adultery or murder accepted please. You’ll need one of our advanced options to cover those).
10 minutes of prayer twice a day with moments of spiritual thought scattered through the afternoon.
3 sermons daily spiritual quotes (who’s looking righteous now?) unlimited emergency scripture/spiritual thought via SMS to your phone or to another of your designation (really impress your girlfriend’s dad!)
Weekly church attendance.
This package comes with our unconditional money back guarantee. You will get into heaven*. This package is handle by a team of our advanced advisers. These individuals will have engaged in various religious ceremonies and have been certified as ‘meek’ and ‘humble’.
1 hour of daily scripture reading.
30 minutes of desperate repenting of specific sins you send in (again no adultery or murder please).
20 minutes of prayer three times daily with continued spiritual thought.
4 sermons daily spiritual quotes unlimited emergency scripture/spiritual thought via SMS emails containing uplifting message automatically sent to family and friends.
Weekly church attendance.
10 hours of weekly volunteer work dedicated 1-800 number for anyone relying upon your newfound spiritual greatness.
Call today or tomorrow or something. Operators will be standing by as soon as I can figure out how to setup a call center overseas and get people to speak with an American accent.
*Please note that money back guarantee is only valid for individual procuring the plan. Proof of non-ascension into heaven or casting into hell must be provided by the individual for all money back claims.