I am back.
When I say that I mean I am back to my old ways and returning to my mistress of over a year. Cycling punished me with zeal last night, but like a naughty senator I am back an ready for another spanking. As I sit here contemplating the cost of maintaining this affair I wish to warn any and all who follow this adulterous path of the cost of their wayward ways.
She’ll make you dress up in stupid looking clothes. She likes tight pants that reveal any and all manhood that remains of you. The ride is bumpy so expect to wear a helmet and know that participation as a group is the norm. Don’t be shy, her fetishes include shaven or waxed legs. Try to explain that one to the wife when you get home.
She demands expensive gifts. No matter how much you spend there will always be something new, something better something faster that she will lust after. Be prepared to set aside thousands for your new lover and don’t expect it to ever end. Titanium glitters just as brightly as diamond.
Like any evil temptress she will steal time from your wife and kids. Your lawn will grow to a tropical jungle and your neighbors will encourage a visit from your ecclesiastical leaders or the police or both. You will be condemned to spend your evenings and Saturdays staring at long grey beast, each road marker a tick on your long pathway to death.
She criticizes what you eat. Eat the wrong stuff and she will hurt you with a fervor that would make Stalin cry. Enjoy your food and you WILL pay. Don’t expect to ever eat a donut again and ice cream is an unforgivable sin. You will eat like a rabbit and the only time you will be allowed normal caloric intake will be when you are with her. Even then she will insist that your sugars and carbs come in the strange and miserable form of Accelerade gu, and power bars. She will change what you wear. Expect that your old clothes are no longer good enough – “Too big” everyone will say. You’ll need new ones not all that different in size from what you wore when you were 16.
Know that she will demand blood sweat and tears. She will laugh when your own body tortures you with cramps that make you want to saw off your own limbs. She will mercilessly tear at your body and all the while your heart will pound until you will be surprised it has not exited your chest.
I have warned you.
Why let your heart fall to such a demanding lust? The orgasm is long an amazing. Your heart will beat strong. The nasty diet will prolong your life and you will be able to bounce a quarter off your thighs. You will grow old, but your body will function like you are 20. You will never breathe hard when climbing stairs again. You will be able to brag to friends and commiserate with total strangers about this beautiful, secret love.
I still feel the tearing in my left leg from the cramp last night. However, it is all to easy to forgive my merciless mistress. I am back.